Photo by Dimitri Karastelev on Unsplash

Dating can be hard these days. With so many different dating apps and social media vying for attention, it’s confusing to navigate just how your crush actually feels about you. But now with a deadly pandemic sweeping through practically every nation, dating is about to get even harder! As a certified Dating Expert (I went on a date once and now we are still dating), I’m here to help you finally figure out if your crush is just social distancing from you due to a dangerous widespread virus, or if they simply just aren’t that into you.

Here are a…


Credit: Rhaym-tech2004

1. The Processor

Apple’s new A12 Bionic Processor guarantees their new flagship phone isn’t slowing down any time soon, unlike your ill-fated vessel The Howling Doubloon. Running aground 15 miles south of Tortuga Island, the thunderous splintering of the hull was only pierced by the desperate screams of your crew as the ship capsized.

2. The Face-ID System

Fans of this innovative security feature will be pleased to experience a more agile Face-ID System in the new iPhone XS. If only it was as easy to identify the swollen, waterlogged faces of your men as their bodies washed ashore the sandbar. …


This past weekend a papal scandal broke out in the quiet south Jersey suburb of Washington Township.

The drama started on the Facebook page of Township Talk, a community based forum, popular for sharing clip-art inspired flyers for charity fundraising events, promotions for local businesses (their most recent post is for a trivia night hosted by a plumbing company), and general public service announcements like someone saying there was a lot of traffic on the Black Horse Pike.

On Friday afternoon Robin Mcknight-Franke posted on Township Talk’s page that a life size cutout of Pope Francis had gone missing during…


In response to P.K. Subban’s electrifying first goal being waved off after a controversial offside challenge, the Nashville Predators have learned their lesson. Today players practiced with rulers affixed to their skates to ensure they are always onside, even under scrutiny of several slow motion cameras.

“It was our mistake to assume that hockey was about speedy and creative zone entries instead of constantly being aware of the precise position of your toenail at any given time” Subban said in between drills.

The players were seen skating hard to half ice, where they were then instructed to gently coast to…


Sabres General Manager Jack Eichel says he believes Jason Botterill is the perfect man for the fake job.

“Jason brings a ton of hockey knowledge and experience to this organization, and I can’t wait for him to start using his skill set in a way precisely dictated by me” said Eichel.

Eichel, the star player and recently self-appointed Buffalo GM (by what he describes as “divine snipe theory”), explained that during their search the Sabres considered tons of highly qualified candidates for the position of being a meaningless figurehead puppet.

“After looking around we just all became really excited by…


It was a day like any other. I woke up, walked the 57 floors to reach the helipad of my building, and then frantically played Cello for hours while staring directly at the sun. A typical Tuesday. But little did I know that on the geographically ambiguous streets below me, the masses were gathering, and I was about to join the Pepsi Revolution with a fucking cello strapped on my back.


this is ISIS

1. Loud fountains

2. $15 minimums for credit card purchases

3. Platonic Forms

4. The rise of midcentury furniture

5. How geese look

6. Jimmy Wales asking you for $3

7. Anytime someone has waved to you

8. Pablo Honey

9. Bundling of toxic subprime mortgages

10. Having to fold fitted sheets

11. The dread we feel as we stand at the precipice of absolute freedom

12. Starbucks being out of Kind bars

Domenico Siravo

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